The Road To Recovery - Part 2

So Thursday morning saw me not only awake, but coming out of the strange - and what seemed to me very real - dream I'd been in since Sunday night.

Lee mentioned how the previous day, before she left, she was speaking to me not long before I woke myself up..... 'remember how we talked about how it would be a fight?  Well this is it, you've got to fight!' and I DO remember her saying that!

I remember thinking 'right, I've just got to think of my trip to Jamaica' and doing just that.  I felt SO ill at the time that I needed something to focus on.

Although I remember a little from Wednesday after waking myself up, I remember (thank goodness) nothing about having tubes down my throat, or any of the unpleasantness that goes with it.  I was looking around me on Thursday, at other patients who had tubes down them, and thinking '....thank god I don't have any of that - I couldn't handle that....' when in fact that's exactly what I looked like just 24 hours earlier.

So hopefully I really was on the road to recovery this time.  I wanted nothing more than to get out of CCU, and get all the horrible tubes that were still connected to me taken out!  The cannula in my neck was particularly unpleasant, with something like ten different connections hanging off it.  As well as that, I had different cannulas in my hands and arms - all over the place.  I was swollen and jaundiced (see above) and really not in great shape.

It was a long day Thursday - I just wanted out, but knew I just had to do whatever they told me to do to get better.  I was injected with all sorts, given nebulizers, had my O2 levels, pulse and pressure taken really often - if I could get my O2 levels to a certain point, and do some walking the next day, I may well have everything disconnected (except O2) and be sent up to the ward!

Near Death Experience...

So on Sunday eve, after visits from many friends/family which was really wonderful, I started to deteriorate. I was starting to find that I could not breathe without 'rasping' all the time, and my heart rate and temp were rising.  This video shows what I mean, and some of you  might not like it!

Right, I'm going to condense a lot of stuff here, but bear with me and feel free to post any questions in the comments below.....

Im told that that night (Sunday/Monday) I was taken to the CCU/intensive care, where it was revealed that my temp - which was over 40c - and x-ray, showed I had double pneumonia.

The CCU team proceeded to induce coma with general anaesthesia, and put breathing, feeding and other tubes down my nose and throat. If they hadn't taken this action, I would not be typing this blog to you now.

Three days passed before I was anything you could really call conscious. My brother and Lee were still visiting me regularly, and it must have been tough for them.....they had the grimm task of stopping me from pulling tubes out. I can remember them being there and speaking from time to time, but I was in another world of hypoxia (lack of O2) and chronic infection.

 On Weds, I did what they call 'self extubation' where they were gradually bringing me out of coma by reducing anaesthetic. I woke myself and pulled the tubes out all by my self. Now the fight really started in earnest for me.

It's hard to describe the time while I was unconscious - the last place I thought I was, was in hospital though......some of the places I remember - as clear as day, were Shangrila, a hotel, on a Chinese ship, Jamaica and India.  I'm also told that I believed I was Rocket Man and Marlboro Man among others!

When I was awake, I thought everyone was against me - I even called 999 twice thinking I was somewhere

else, and trying to escape from CCU - I even took a punch at one of the staff!

On Thursday, the fog started to clear....and recovery was truly back on the map

The Road To Recovery (1st attempt).....and my first visits!

I slept most of Thursday, and awoke on Friday feeling quite positive about the road to recovery, and looking forward to my first visits!

Most of the day was quite positive, and I was feeling quite positive about my recovery....I would after all, only be here a few days to recover and get myself home.

 Anyway, my first visitor of the day arrived! In many ways a complete surprise, Ian Scott

from Actually Gay Men's Chorus (which I founded and ran for ten years,though you wouldn't know it), appeared from nowhere. Ian is one of the kindest,  thoughtful people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and working with. While he often got frustrated with my methods and lack of conventional management, he did his best to support me and my vision. I had said to my sister Lee, that if anyone from the chorus did bother to visit, he was the only one I really felt might bother, so I was really very happy to see him!

 Lee herself turned up not much later and I was ecstatic to show her my correct  prediction. First visit and already 2 of my favourite people were here! It wasn't long before another friend of long ago was here (Matt S) and I was feeling great!

That night I found a bit difficult to sleep, as I kept coughing stuff up, but I managed eventually.

The Operation......and pix you dont want to see....but i want you to see

So I awoke on Thursday after my operation on Dorcas Ward.......as planned.

I was told that yes, I have cancer, but they had removed it along with half of the lobe of that lung. That was not the original plan, stating that if they found cancer they would remove it with the entire affected lobe.

The reason they only took half the lobe was that they had found my lungs to be SO badly affected by smoking, that removing the entire lobe would have left me without enough lung power!

I will be scanning these pix in high resolution so you can see properly what 30 years of smoking does to you......and this part is irreversible!

Is It Lung Cancer?

So, got the news that I  do have lung cancer.,.....not my best day!

Im waiting for some nasty pics from the sergeon, but I can tell you this..... If they found cancer, they were going to remove the offending (top) lobe of my left lung.

 What actually happened was that they removed half of the lobe.

But why? Is this good or bad?......Bad I'm afraid - because my lungs are so damaged from smoking, they felt they had to leave half or breathing would be difficult.

Yes its still worth stopping, as it could prevent cancer and/or other conditions.  It also means you can breath much better!

I'm told my lungs are 'black and nasty' - something you will see pics of when I get  them.  Even when you give up, your lungs will stay black and damaged.

I had a terrible night with pain - and I know chronic pain - a lovely nurse. Called Hannah saved me from myself. Typically i didn't ask for help and really suffered as a consequence......see PIC

I ended up crying, with the gravity of my situation really hitting me.

Thank you so much for your support - you learn who your real friends when things like this happen!  If you should co e and visit, I'm on Dorcas Ward at Guy's, next to the Shard at London Briodge. You know how I am, just some nice company and aa chin wag!

First on the list tomorrow morning! Let's do this!

So I had a call from Guy's this morning asking if I can come in a bit ealier tomorrow morning as I'm 1st on the list.

1st eh?  I'm never first at anything, but typically for me I'm going to be 1st tomorrow.

I'm having a procedure called VATS, which looks a bit like this...

Hopefully, I will either not have cancer at all, in which case I get the lump removed and closed up with minimal scars (though apparently still extremely painful) and no further treatment.

If the tests they do during the op are positive for cancer, then they will need to open me up and remove the offending lobe of my lung, along with a few lymph nodes...

Whatever happens, I have no intention of letting this beat me!  I'll be in hospital for no more than about 4 days if I have the lobectomy.  I'll be on Dorcas ward should anyone wish to visit.

So this is getting pretty real for me now.  I set off this afternoon with Lee to stay with my Brother so I can be at Guy's nice and early tomorrow.  It's kind of strange thinking about showering in the morning, jumping on the tube and straight into an operating theatre.  Still, this has to be done, so here we go!

I am going to try and make sure there are pictures and video if possible of everything, depending on what they allow.  I want to show people what 35 years of smoking does to your lungs, and I want people to talk about Cancer - 'cause it's real and a THIRD of ALL of us will be diagnosed with it at some time.......especially smokers!

Right.....best go get ready then!

And so the date looms this week. Time to think cancer!

Right, quite simply I have to think about cancer.

I know, we don't liked to use the 'c word', or 'cancer', but that's the reality of it.  really thoughtful) friend Gareth, back home to Jamaica for a whirlwind 3 day visit, but it means so much to me.  Although I now have to think (and feel!) cancer for the foreseeable future, I can just think back to last week, to the beautiful hot place Jamaica really is, to my home!

I've been lucky enough to be whisked away by my (

Now, I've read all the info about being admitted, what I must and must not do, and when to do or not do them.  It's all a bit real now.

My bestie, Lee will be escorting me up to London on Weds, to stay with my brother Mark.  I can't eat after 10pm so if anyone did wanna give me anything yummy to eat, that's when I gotta do it by!

I've already engaged with and read lots on the Macmillan site http://www.macmillan.org.uk/

And now am learning more about lung cancer on Cancer Research UK http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/

I have to read these, you can too if you're curious, but I do understand if you just can't face it.  Maybe you'd prefer to ask me something - I'll do my best to answer.

I'm sure everyone who has an encounter with cancer will deal with it differently.  I tend to just carry on in a day to day fashion, but I admit, it is there - I just control my feelings as I prefer to  avoid breakdowns and crying.  It's just how I am - that's how my back got into such a state - it's been really bad for years - I just didn't wanna admit it.

So, to any of you that have thought 'what's that?' or 'should that feel like that'

or 'why does that hurt?' - anything like that (and i'm not talking yer normal colds or flu) - get your ass down to the doctor now.  Even colds and flu, if they go on  too long, get to the doctors!

Right, signing off to go learn about lung cancer.  I'll keep you posted!