Near Death Experience...

So on Sunday eve, after visits from many friends/family which was really wonderful, I started to deteriorate. I was starting to find that I could not breathe without 'rasping' all the time, and my heart rate and temp were rising.  This video shows what I mean, and some of you  might not like it!

Right, I'm going to condense a lot of stuff here, but bear with me and feel free to post any questions in the comments below.....

Im told that that night (Sunday/Monday) I was taken to the CCU/intensive care, where it was revealed that my temp - which was over 40c - and x-ray, showed I had double pneumonia.

The CCU team proceeded to induce coma with general anaesthesia, and put breathing, feeding and other tubes down my nose and throat. If they hadn't taken this action, I would not be typing this blog to you now.

Three days passed before I was anything you could really call conscious. My brother and Lee were still visiting me regularly, and it must have been tough for them.....they had the grimm task of stopping me from pulling tubes out. I can remember them being there and speaking from time to time, but I was in another world of hypoxia (lack of O2) and chronic infection.

 On Weds, I did what they call 'self extubation' where they were gradually bringing me out of coma by reducing anaesthetic. I woke myself and pulled the tubes out all by my self. Now the fight really started in earnest for me.

It's hard to describe the time while I was unconscious - the last place I thought I was, was in hospital though......some of the places I remember - as clear as day, were Shangrila, a hotel, on a Chinese ship, Jamaica and India.  I'm also told that I believed I was Rocket Man and Marlboro Man among others!

When I was awake, I thought everyone was against me - I even called 999 twice thinking I was somewhere

else, and trying to escape from CCU - I even took a punch at one of the staff!

On Thursday, the fog started to clear....and recovery was truly back on the map

The Road To Recovery (1st attempt).....and my first visits!

I slept most of Thursday, and awoke on Friday feeling quite positive about the road to recovery, and looking forward to my first visits!

Most of the day was quite positive, and I was feeling quite positive about my recovery....I would after all, only be here a few days to recover and get myself home.

 Anyway, my first visitor of the day arrived! In many ways a complete surprise, Ian Scott

from Actually Gay Men's Chorus (which I founded and ran for ten years,though you wouldn't know it), appeared from nowhere. Ian is one of the kindest,  thoughtful people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and working with. While he often got frustrated with my methods and lack of conventional management, he did his best to support me and my vision. I had said to my sister Lee, that if anyone from the chorus did bother to visit, he was the only one I really felt might bother, so I was really very happy to see him!

 Lee herself turned up not much later and I was ecstatic to show her my correct  prediction. First visit and already 2 of my favourite people were here! It wasn't long before another friend of long ago was here (Matt S) and I was feeling great!

That night I found a bit difficult to sleep, as I kept coughing stuff up, but I managed eventually.

The Operation......and pix you dont want to see....but i want you to see

So I awoke on Thursday after my operation on Dorcas Ward.......as planned.

I was told that yes, I have cancer, but they had removed it along with half of the lobe of that lung. That was not the original plan, stating that if they found cancer they would remove it with the entire affected lobe.

The reason they only took half the lobe was that they had found my lungs to be SO badly affected by smoking, that removing the entire lobe would have left me without enough lung power!

I will be scanning these pix in high resolution so you can see properly what 30 years of smoking does to you......and this part is irreversible!

Is It Lung Cancer?

So, got the news that I  do have lung cancer.,.....not my best day!

Im waiting for some nasty pics from the sergeon, but I can tell you this..... If they found cancer, they were going to remove the offending (top) lobe of my left lung.

 What actually happened was that they removed half of the lobe.

But why? Is this good or bad?......Bad I'm afraid - because my lungs are so damaged from smoking, they felt they had to leave half or breathing would be difficult.

Yes its still worth stopping, as it could prevent cancer and/or other conditions.  It also means you can breath much better!

I'm told my lungs are 'black and nasty' - something you will see pics of when I get  them.  Even when you give up, your lungs will stay black and damaged.

I had a terrible night with pain - and I know chronic pain - a lovely nurse. Called Hannah saved me from myself. Typically i didn't ask for help and really suffered as a consequence......see PIC

I ended up crying, with the gravity of my situation really hitting me.

Thank you so much for your support - you learn who your real friends when things like this happen!  If you should co e and visit, I'm on Dorcas Ward at Guy's, next to the Shard at London Briodge. You know how I am, just some nice company and aa chin wag!

First on the list tomorrow morning! Let's do this!

So I had a call from Guy's this morning asking if I can come in a bit ealier tomorrow morning as I'm 1st on the list.

1st eh?  I'm never first at anything, but typically for me I'm going to be 1st tomorrow.

I'm having a procedure called VATS, which looks a bit like this...

Hopefully, I will either not have cancer at all, in which case I get the lump removed and closed up with minimal scars (though apparently still extremely painful) and no further treatment.

If the tests they do during the op are positive for cancer, then they will need to open me up and remove the offending lobe of my lung, along with a few lymph nodes...

Whatever happens, I have no intention of letting this beat me!  I'll be in hospital for no more than about 4 days if I have the lobectomy.  I'll be on Dorcas ward should anyone wish to visit.

So this is getting pretty real for me now.  I set off this afternoon with Lee to stay with my Brother so I can be at Guy's nice and early tomorrow.  It's kind of strange thinking about showering in the morning, jumping on the tube and straight into an operating theatre.  Still, this has to be done, so here we go!

I am going to try and make sure there are pictures and video if possible of everything, depending on what they allow.  I want to show people what 35 years of smoking does to your lungs, and I want people to talk about Cancer - 'cause it's real and a THIRD of ALL of us will be diagnosed with it at some time.......especially smokers!

Right.....best go get ready then!

And so the date looms this week. Time to think cancer!

Right, quite simply I have to think about cancer.

I know, we don't liked to use the 'c word', or 'cancer', but that's the reality of it.  really thoughtful) friend Gareth, back home to Jamaica for a whirlwind 3 day visit, but it means so much to me.  Although I now have to think (and feel!) cancer for the foreseeable future, I can just think back to last week, to the beautiful hot place Jamaica really is, to my home!

I've been lucky enough to be whisked away by my (

Now, I've read all the info about being admitted, what I must and must not do, and when to do or not do them.  It's all a bit real now.

My bestie, Lee will be escorting me up to London on Weds, to stay with my brother Mark.  I can't eat after 10pm so if anyone did wanna give me anything yummy to eat, that's when I gotta do it by!

I've already engaged with and read lots on the Macmillan site http://www.macmillan.org.uk/

And now am learning more about lung cancer on Cancer Research UK http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/

I have to read these, you can too if you're curious, but I do understand if you just can't face it.  Maybe you'd prefer to ask me something - I'll do my best to answer.

I'm sure everyone who has an encounter with cancer will deal with it differently.  I tend to just carry on in a day to day fashion, but I admit, it is there - I just control my feelings as I prefer to  avoid breakdowns and crying.  It's just how I am - that's how my back got into such a state - it's been really bad for years - I just didn't wanna admit it.

So, to any of you that have thought 'what's that?' or 'should that feel like that'

or 'why does that hurt?' - anything like that (and i'm not talking yer normal colds or flu) - get your ass down to the doctor now.  Even colds and flu, if they go on  too long, get to the doctors!

Right, signing off to go learn about lung cancer.  I'll keep you posted!

First appointment at Guy's - Pre Op

The bloodletting begins lol!  Well, OK, not that bad, but I would rather I was not here having any of this done.

Got the train to London with Lee and went to Guy's for my pre-op check. 

Nothing awful really - I just answered lots of questions, had an ECG, blood tests, MRSA swabs and a chest x-ray.

It was also my chance to ask questions, and find out a bit more about the procedure I'm having in 2 weeks, which I'm told will be a keyhole type of surgery.

I will be having the nodule and some lymph nodes removed.  If the nodule is cancer, then they will be removing a whole lobe of my lung, which means they probably have to open me up, and 'spread' my ribs to get to where they are working.  Even still, they expect me to be out within 4 days.

I'm in a reasonably good mood, and am lucky enough to be going home to Jamaica for a few days before the operation - which does really help of course.  I'm sure I'll be more nervous on the day!

What a pleasant surprise!

So, I made a start on my list by inviting a few friends over for dinner - which I'll be doing much more of in the future!

We had a lovely time, and my friend Gareth told me that if I want, I could fly to Jamaica with him this next week!  The only problem was that the flight back was on the same day as my pre-op.

I called the hospital yesterday and explained what was happening.  They were only too pleased to change things around so that I can go away before I have my operation.

It just goes to show how you  really just don't know what's going to happen.  Going back home to Jamaica is a really important thing for me, and something that Gareth was only to pleased to sort out for me.......

I'm very touched.......and excited!

The (innevitable) Bucket List

So, when you find yourself in my predicament, you do find yourdelf thinking of things you wouldn't normally think about.  One of them is a bucket list - so mine is on my blog now.

Hoping someone can come up with a better name for my list as I'd like see it as something to work towards, rather than my last minute attempt to to everything I should have done already!

Macmillan Cancer Support

Well, this morning I took the plunge and called Macmillan Cancer Support.  I've been told how they can help me understand what's going on and help support me during my recovery.

I was on the phone for nearly an hour.  They were so lovely, not rushing me at all, answering my many many questions as best they could and advising me on all sorts of things from controlling my pain and my many medications to telling me about after my op and what will happen.

This service is invaluable and a huge part of how people deal with cancer.  I dread to think how the NHS would cope if Macmillan vanished tomorrow.....they couldn't cope!

I feel a bit more at ease now, and know what questions to ask and who to ask!  If anyone reading wants to know anything about cancer, or you have questions swirling around your head, well, they are there for you too, and will happily take the time to explain anything to you.  They are also happy to just listen if you need someone to talk to.

So, a huge thank you to Macmillan, and please, let's all make sure we do what we can to support them.  If you see a Macmillan collection box - put something in - because what comes out of that is so wonderful, you can't imagine!

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/

Feeling Elevated by some good friends.... (spoiler alert: I am a bit of a geek!)

What a nice surprise tonight.....

So yep - for those that don't know, I am a bit of a geek.  I love my computers in all shapes and sizes, and mobile tech is no exception......and most of that would be HTC tech.

Now, I'm not advertising for HTC (well, I'm not being paid!) but, I am part of a special community called HTC Elevate.

HTC Elevate - or just 'Elevate' as us insiders call it, is a small community of tech enthusiasts, specially selected for our love and respect of HTC tech.

Anyway - after seeing many nice messages from friends on FB etc, I logged into Elevate to find that there are 4 pages of kind messages from members all around the world, none of whom I know or have even met (yet!)

Extremely nice!

Pain.

So I'm told the surgery I'm having - Left VATS wedge resection - is quite painful.

As I have been on strong painkillers for a number of years, including morphine, at quite high doses, I've been advised that it will be particularly uncomfortable for me as it will be harder for them to use drugs to control my pain.

Because of this rather unpleasant sounding predicament, I've opted to reduce my medication now so that it works better when I have the operation.  I have to say that already my pain levels have shot up and I'm finding it harder to cope, but if I end up having a lobe removed from my lung, it could save me some real discomfort in the weeks ahead.  At some point I'll go more into the drugs I have been taking to give you a better idea.

If my pain does get really bad, I can take more, just with the caveat that I'll have less relief post surgery.

Some background to my journey - how and why I'm here.....

There's much to know about me, and I'm sure I'll have time to expand on that as this blog moves on, but I'll start by talking a bit about my health, and how I found myself here, about to have pretty major surgery for what may well be lung cancer.

I'm not sick.....yet.  I'm told that there is either some scar tissue, a nodule, or some sort of growth in my left lung.  It's very small - about 12mm at last scan.  It's at the top of my lung, which often is benign, but if malignant, could be something 'very nasty'.

There is only one way to find out for sure, and that's to have this operation where they will remove the lump from my lung.  They will get it tested while i'm asleep, and if positive they will remove the offending lobe of my lung(!).

I guess I'm quite lucky really, as this lump was found on routine scans I have of my spine.  When the doctors met to compare my scan with previous scans, they noticed something had appeared in my lung, and set in motion the process of finding out what it is.  I found this out in January.

It was so small back then that they ordered more scans a few months later to see if anything was happening with it.  Satisfied that this needed more investigation, I was referred to the Sussex Cancer Centre, and ended up having a PET scan at the end of August.  A week later I had the result which showed them the growth is 'hot' meaning it may well be cancer.

So, here I am now - I've had more tests, met the surgeon, discussed delaying for a while and seeing what happens, or just getting rid of it - which is what we're going to do!

My next appointment is at Guy's Hospital in London in November for pre-op then the operation is a week later.

Primarily this blog is for me - to express how I'm feeling, and to record the things I go through.  Who knows, it might be enough to convince one or two of you to stop smoking as well, which would be an added bonus.  It means I don't have to be posting too regularly on FaceBook (I never do), nor responding to too many messages if I'm not up to it.

I'm going into this with just a few, true friends (you know who you are) around me, who are coming to appointments with me and plan to stay with me or visit me all the time when in hospital.  Even my brother, who I don't even remember the last time I saw him, will be popping in and has offered to put me up should I need it....which is nice :)